January 16th, 2023

Dear Cony,

It's 3.20 am, and I can't sleep.

My mind has been all over the place today, and it seems that my sleep now has also left me tonight. I have gone through so many emotions as I lay in bed thinking about you.

Part of me is sad. Sad because I lose you so quickly and so unexpectedly beyond my thoughts.

Part of me is confused about what to do with all the things I prepared for us; the money I saved or the land I bought to build something for us. I also don't know what to do with my own hopefulness now that you're gone. I mean, I have a job and a degree to complete, but it seems that only my body is pursuing these chores and not my mind.

Part of me is angry and feels betrayed. Betrayed that I silently waited for you, yet you chose to move on without ever telling me first. On the other side, I am angry with myself too. I was so confident in our deep bonds that I thought I didn't need to do much to maintain it.

Then part of me just misses you a lot.

As if I have missed you for a thousand years and still missing.

I really don't know what to do because you wanted me to move on in this life as well, and I tried to, but somehow I can't because I just can't, Cony.

I told myself I must because it might be good for me, but then I got dragged back by you in my memory. You kept taking me back to your house and I couldn't escape my own inability to confront you properly. I can't even run away from you anymore because I keep returning to your room to find a piece of me that I have left somewhere.

I ask myself if I still love you; If my anger and frustration can overshadow my thoughts of you and make me give up on you. Then I found your video. The video you secretly took with my phone in your basement on our last night.

That's when I gave up.

I can't overshadow you or the love I have for you.

I can be mighty with all, but I am just a heart bleeding memories of you. Just a boy who found the sum of all wants in you.

I give up, Cony. You win again.

I miss you, Cony.