My name is d.s.l. and this is my poetry collection called Jules 23
Written by one for only one
How do I tell you I love you? When memories have slowly faded
Do I see your eyes, and not recognize?
Or do I sense your smile, and not give it reply?
I cannot now come close to you
Or place my heart next to your chest
But can I love if I can’t say?
“I love you more than words I pray”
Here in my palm, I feel your touch
Here in my soul, your kiss draws close
I will travel through times and space
No matter if you hide away
I will find us like I did once
And tell you more than I did once
I love you happy and love you blue
Like what I say tonight to you
I love you forever and more after
For that was life if dreams came true.
My dear July,
Perhaps these words have been long due
Or perhaps these lives for us are too
Today, I am happy
Happy for you,
And happy for me
No longer should we,
be ghosts
For now we are alive
With hope
With laughter
There is someone to dine with us
There is someone to smile with us
It’s not you,
It’s not me,
But it’s the person who set us free
In their new eyes,
We are not blind
In their new kisses
We are not lost
This moment are now just ours
Like when we were just you and me
But moments are but moments
Like summer’s flowers and winter’s withers
My dear July,
We don’t get to choose how we are dealt with
But we can always choose how to deal with
Always choose kindness
Always choose love
For to be kind is to be brave
To have suffered unkindness,
But learn of kindness
​
To love is to be brave
To have suffered brokenness,
But learn of love
We will be far and we will be long
I will miss you and you might miss me too
But wipe your tears to hear my love
Shut out your fear and read my words:
For on nights like this
The wind shall brings me back to you
But if the sky are clear
Then look up to the stars and kiss me still
I shall wait under the heavens
For soon my earth shall turn from day to night
And draws your lips to mine again
​
My dear July,
Forever I love you.
I love her without her
I love her like I always did
And I will love her like I always do
You can take her away from me
Steal her like a thief
Or kill her like a murderer
But the shadows of her
They never leaves
She is with me
Forever with me
Building her house and decorating her room
Making her bed and walking through her space
She dresses in her glory
And bathe in her beauty
She lives with me
Never from me
But always with me
In my heart she freely wanders
In my heart she freely stays
She had chosen me
And I had chosen her
You can tell me that she left
Or remind me that she’s gone
But our love will not part
Nor will I find another start
In death she waits for me
As in life I wait for her
And I kiss her still
And she replies
As I love her still
And she replies
No heaven
No hell
No angels
No demons
No one
Will take our love away
No matter where I go
You are gone,
You are everywhere
You are not here but there
Like shadows that run behind
Or sunlights that cast before
I could say that I miss you today
Then I would be lying again
For I, my heart yearns for your kiss,
Every second you are away
If one day you’re gone and I am here
How could I say I have ever lived
Ever lived to see your smile
Then lived to hear your last goodbye
No matter where I go,
You are gone,
You are everywhere
But still I wait for you
At nights when you return
Or nights when I’m alone
I could say I wanted you tonight
But then I wanted you always
To live a thousand lives
With you beyond my little mind
Then I won’t have to write
For I will say a thousand times
Take me home to your heart
The warmth of your embrace
Radiates, as suns above the melting seas
I cannot wait or leave you more
Because,
Even when you are gone
You are still everywhere
Be still, my love, and wait for me
Wait for my heart, but wait in my heart
Travel away from me to happiness
But, remember in me your happiness
Go far, but not too far away
For I shall also wait for you
In empty homes and crowded streets
Where time becomes eternity
And missing you becomes infinity
So take your time to find your life
But don’t get lost from memories
I can wait but only for a day
That day which still will be so long
Then I will leave and wait no more
For I shall go far away too
Where I will search for happiness
Until I find myself with you again
I cannot love you as others do
Like Edward loves Bella
Or Peter loves Lara
I love you as a mother loves her child
Like bees loving flowers
Or moths loving light
I love you as my father did when he hit me
Or as my dog did when he sees me cry
I love you without knowing why I love you
I love you without knowing how I love you
I suppose I love you the way moon loves the night
To love so short but forever again
I love you the way I always love you
To love you without asking for you
I love you silently but loudly
I love you slowly but longingly
No other way can I love you
But the only way I know to love you
She stands
Levitated
Crown of eclipsed sunlight dancing over the sea
Eyes as crows awaking the disturbed night
I witness
In all awe
The darkness that torn from her face
A smile of pale moons
under kisses of billowing clouds
All life had ceased
To wonder
To behold
Vanishing as leaves of summer to falls
Her fingers reached forth
Tearing all hearts from its master
Taking all will from mind enthralled
She comes for me
In her glory
Place life into the eyes blinded by her own desires
Expanded
within the midst of me
Whispered
Born to first light of leo in the sky
“Julius Emmanuel,
Goddess among thee”
All of me
Created to behold the destiny of her to see
She leaves
But returns always
Like she does always
Nothing, there’s nothing more
I had knew her
And she knew me
This is life
This is death
She was born for me
As I,
As sky,
As heaven,
As all
Was born for her
I will always love you
At least that’s what I want
I will always love you yet I can’t say it to you anymore
Not because I don’t love you but because I don’t want to love you more
I will always love you but I can no longer show you
If I could say I love you I would say it again
Above your lips and underneath your breath
I hate that I love you
To love you within that I can no longer love you without
So, then I don’t love you
For loving you I can no longer love anymore
If I could change and live again
My love for you, I would do it again
I don’t want to stop loving you yet I don’t want this pain
I will always love you but maybe it’s no longer the same
Then now I let you go
To ease your heart to lift my vow
No longer should I say I love you
My lover my soul, I love you now.
Today and tomorrow but no more after.
Still July my love, I will always love you so.
I am but yours to take
Take me and make me into your own liking
My image shall be your clay
And my spirit shall be at yours to play
Don’t leave or let me be
For to be me is just empty,
A little self and nothing else
To be yours is to be free,
A creation spell and everything else
Let me be to you, your water or your earth
Use me as tears or make me just dirt
Fill your cup with the spring I give
Or plant your life upon my rib
I am but yours to take
A life once born and a life once died
I made you laugh and I made you cried
Yet still, don’t leave or let me be
Weave me into your tales and make me into your songs
Let me be your last “sorry” or your first “goodbye”
Keep me within but use me without
Let me be your only thing, your “never doubt”
And all I ask is here you see
Make me forever more; your memories
You said I didn’t care.
I didn’t talk to you or ask for you
You move your heart away from me
Because you thought there was no way to me
You know, my love, the paths I take
I walk alone yet not alone
The winds and leaves become your voice
The stars and flowers, they are your eyes
Away from you is like to die
To see darkness, to be deaf and blind.
Nothing can be away from you
For natures speak as if for you
You know I cannot be away from you
For the roads I take, they leads to you
So then, my love you hurt me now
You said that I had left, for you to drown
My love I was in pain
I had struggled, to stay just sane
My love I was in pain
I was without you, I was insane
So now I stay alone
You have loved me less,
I cannot love you more
If one day you shall forget me
Don’t you worry, I have already forgotten you
But if by little you stop loving me
Maybe somewhere, there will still be, a little of my love for you
In the morning when the sun gazes her light onto my eyes
In the morning when you left me all by my side
There’s no one for me this day I rise
No one to smile and not even to cry
With me you stay, yet, you’re so far away
With me you stay, yet, you’ve already gone away
My love, my love, whom I adore
I love you more than love just once
I love you more than just six months
My love, my love, whom I “ignored”
If only did you waited just more
If only did you said just more
Today I write again
My tongue can no longer freely speak words to you
For now our love has slipped away
All for the things I did not say
To love you is to be a fool
To believe in constellation
In Aries and Leo
To love you is to be like a child
To hold onto you and be called "clingy"
​
To love you is to be mad
To park so far away or stand by at the doorway
To love you is to be lost for free
To bind the bodies like twigs of trees
To love you is to be paranoid
To hear footsteps, to watch for voices
To love you is to be brave
To hide away in darkness wait
But to love you is more than just to be
To love you is whom that's me
You didn’t like it when I first said our “I Love You”
Yet still, you kissed my lips like you did too
Maybe I can never understand the will of love
Or learn about your love for me
But no, I cannot care, for I am blind to only see
Your hands, your feet, your laugh, your sneeze
​
Who needs to feel the warmth of love?
When I can hold your body so close
​​
Who needs to know the way you love?
When you shiver with me, my lips, my tongue that you gasped free
​​
Who needs to tell you of the way I love?
When you still read my words and hear my songs
​​
Who needs to walk the way of love?
When I can just love you in "one," "two," and "three"
​​
One day you might leave me
But still your love I keep with me
​
I do not need to know the way of love
For love is you and love is we
I build my house upon your lips
I lay my foundation upon your little twin size bed
You once told me there’s a place where you could hide
Under the frame and in the middle of the night
But darling, I cannot hide, like shadows of thieves under the bright moonlight
I shall run and run and skip and jump
My feet whispered the stairs while my heart shouted without a care
In darkness your silhouette blinded my eyes
And there it was I left my mind
Under that guise, we lost our might
A true love kiss that taste of life
You prayed to God and I did too
But not for health or any wealth
Only to kiss you just once more.
Do you remember when we first dated?
The long calls and the endless texts?
You would tell me we can never be
But then we would stay up and talk til' three
I remember that day when we first embraced
Everyone knew but we pretended like they don’t anyway
Do you remember when I hid away and waited for you?
We couldn’t eat or talk or play
I would run to your room and hide away
Waiting for you to come, minutes were long as days
But you always came and smiled so happily
Can falling in love be so easy?
In summer nights you still kept that heavy blanket
You would push me down and even sit on me
Cover me away if someone came
I remember how suffocating it was, so sweaty and so slippery
It was so hot I felt like dying
Then I would peek my eyes outside, to see your smile, it was worth dying
Do you remember when we made jokes about running away?
To Iowa just far from home. No more hiding and no more waiting
Just you and me, chickens, corn and trees
I remember how you would laugh
Four kids, all boys you said!
There we would stay old and die one day
Under the sun or snow or however Iowa behaved
Falling in love can be so easy
Falling in love can be so fun
Because with you, falling in love is all I want
Forgive me, my love, I am fragile today
I couldn’t look at you or say hi to you
My voice breaks away like a nervous child to you
Who could’ve thought I can be so weak for you
​
Maybe if I had looked, if I had searched, I could’ve found you
Perhaps if I had just opened my eyes I could’ve seen you
But how could I learn about you when I thought I already knew you
It was my fault I thought I knew all about you
I told myself maybe I can keep on waiting for you
Then you told me I lost my love when I had waited for you
​
Forgive me, my love, I am fragile today
I couldn’t look at you or smile in front of you
I should’ve talked to you then I would still have you
Maybe if I can talk to you I could still have you
​
But I can’t
​
Your smile would make me cry, so would your eyes, your lips, they still melt me inside
​
Forgive me, my love, if I can’t do anything,
For under this disguise I play, I am fragile today
I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you.
Didn’t touch your hands, or hold you close or say I love you
Today, all the winter trees have withered away
The sky are all so grey and fragile
So anxiously holding back the fear of uncried tears
This place that I call home is now so strange to me; or perhaps, so unneeded to me
This heart that I called mine is now so small for me, so breakable, so vulnerable.
I am lost in the midst of all these familiarities
Though you are still here with me, my lover, she has already left me.
Voice of my soul, you have silent me
In my own house I feel utmost lonely
Can I ever force myself to forget you
To see you leave and not miss you
Oh, my love, my spirit, how can I let you go
Rid me of this sorrow or feed my heart up to the crows
Immortal ingrained my hope upon your lips
A kiss from which my life eclipse
The winds whisper like a soft love song
Leaves change their colours like autumn hair
The earth, they shout along the paths of dreams
Like birds that lift their wings
Or crickets that want to sing
Like the moon that curves its body
Or the sun that tells story
Stars twinkle like eyes of the sky
The valley swifts over mountains
Like breaths of love to bring
Branches twists and dance about
Like fingers in life of Spring
How can I stop loving you
When all nature for you
To me they sing
Today I woke up early
To watch the dawn from my balcony
There were songs of birds crying out
free like hymns of love for lovers that be
I cleaned your room and tucked your bed
I fixed everything but left your sheets
Outside my anxious windows,
the sun has escaped from your shadows
From up above, the light has pierced itself through the trees
Dusting the air to break the treaties of my peace
Here, your scents linger
Amber and mandarin
From this holy place of dwelling, you draw forth your seance
Calling your laughter to echo
Crying your tears that soak this air with hope
In the darkness, your silhouette draws my fingers
The ghost on that bed I once remembered
I grasp you like a memory
A haunted house of your memories
Nothing came back to me
Dirt through a net, I am left with nothing of thee
Still, I couldn’t leave
For leaving is easy
Coming back is to die and be born again
To see you without you
Or to hear you without you
Yet, could I have stayed?
Would you be there if I turned back
Yelling ‘God damn!’ if I kept calling for you?
I couldn’t leave because I want to be with you
So wake up, my love; it is our time
Not one or ten minutes, just listen to the clock sounds!
This room shall be our vow
A haunted place for lovers that haunts
No boils of hell or gates of heaven
Just you and me, here in this ground
Your umbrella above this well
The lips from which your weapons bend
You separate the star from its sky
And tore the dew from its pastures
Can your hands block out the heaven
Or rid its earth of love’s wonders?
Would you pluck the poet of his memories
Or rid the songs of its lover shadows?
The world we did create
Of which such love for us exists
This place that you resides
This place that you would cruelly strike
So go towards that life you like
Over the mountains and across these plains
Where happiness of yours are what you choose
With blue light suns and curly hairs of darken fell
But take not a piece of us with you
Or separate the spirits of ours that be
In this place we shall lay and stay
Our memories of days that you can’t take away
One week after you left
a friend had came to me
She asked if it was healthy
to be talking to the dead
The thought to console me
To pick up my life and move on from my mess
She tried to give me peace
Offering up her own view of happiness
I was told to stop buying your favourite cookies
Or find you again within me
That you didn’t care if I bleach my hair
Or keep your photos in my drawers
Somewhere in my sorrow
I became lost in resentment
The thoughts to find myself
By forgetting you
But I can’t blame her
For she does not know
That you never left me
You are still standing there
Within my memories
Blocking the door camera
As you stood waiting for me
In your blue dress you are so beautiful
With dark straight hair and dark deep eyes
You smile as I walk up
And lead my hand inside
In my dreams I still see you
Together in your little bedroom
I would work at your desk
As you look at me behind your phone
How can a friend ever know
My lover never let me go
That she’s still my girl
That I never let her go
My lover is still here
Even only in dreams and memories
One day I may be better
But that’s where only we will go
The mists of people that blows like winds across the plains
Lines upon lines of empty stomach and full luggages
In this place are stranger people and stranger rules
Where my water was left behind but the lotion was allowed to fly
There was a cafe by the terminal
A place where deafness was granted to me
I took out my book and read to you
Sitting across from me with your coffee
Proust sang his songs to us
While you laughed at my attempt at French
I hate flying and I hate this place
But you can still make it so comforting
Will we ever travel again
Or will I only travel to you in dreams?
I got the window seat but someone took it from me
They leaned across to me and spread their arms over mine
I wanted to say something but then I saw your face
In this cramped place, I would gladly give you my space
How can I fight you when I see your eyes?
Your deep dark eyes that soothe all conflicts
That smile that turns loneliness into loveliness
I miss your smile and I miss you more
Today I fly with you but one day I will fly to you
For wherever you are, I cannot run away from you
Winters will come and summer will fade away
But there won’t be a day that you are not with me to stay
Baby, California is sad today
The clouds have gathered themselves
The rains now wash away the memories of times
The sun, the beaches, and the mountains
All are darken by pillowing shape of reality
My friends said it’s a joy to have rain
That this is a rebirth for the earth that wrinkled and died
But I can’t relate to people today
I wept when it rained like I wept when you came
Is this a rebirth or is this eternal death?
Can one not die to be reborn or all must suffer Christ?
Must I die to find you again
or can this life return my bride?
Baby, California is sad today
The sun has traded its light for tears of your absence
The places that you would go
Your sundress on the sand
The nights that you would see
Your smile that makes stars shine
The heart that you would love
Your eyes nested in mine
But this place is barren now
A wasteland of romantic dreams that was young and green
California cry for you today
For beauty that left and was left behind
California cry for me today
For poems of love now loves alone
Across the window glass
The wind hurls its face to mine
Over clear plains laid on their side
Gallops the legs of rain to pass
Twirled in the faint and windy night
Light of moons robe over this room
Shadows of flowers on cradled rest, perfectly bloomed
Beauty darken curls, hair of my July
Mourn to the ode of death Victor
Over across the Appalachian
Sun lays rest to love’s patience
Swift cross hades to past days' door
Caught to surprise of poet’s cries
Vanish the gods of tears today
Whisper for taste of words unsaid
Of songs to hearts which love won’t die
Set in my hand your leave
Come back to me only to depart me be
Wrapping your chains to memories
You took my heart and now we’re apart
Haunt the shadows of doors you left unclosed
“My mind is set, I’ve found my happiness”
Play me like dreams in tears that you won’t clean
Giving yourself to those that couldn’t come close
Our hearts were paired but never held
Like keys that fit but cannot turn
You leave our love in attic urns
Of memories of us that you did burn
Across the plains you spread your pain
When you can just call me my name
You mourn your hope on other ones
Left me with threads of life undone
On days that we will pass away
Our love to hell I still shall say
“Oh God, I cannot bide for I might cry”
Without my bride left in July
The day is ripe
Clear from this mind, Seas of no tides
Cease ghosts of us from memories past
Here voices of times trickle all fear
On roads that leads to me
Your face appears as fate unclear
In blue sunlight eclipse all mass
Forget me not among all grass
What heart I had I left with you
Like water to sky you took me dry
Holding my name like it’s a pain
As clouds so calm that come to rain
In whose arms your body now lay?
Did hands of God took you away?
To hills up from where I stood still
Waiting for love that won’t distill
But now the moons are out of tears
And so our lives ran out of years
Take me home to green pastures
At still waters of our laughters
In distant fields where we can lay
Counting the stars like they our days
Leave me for him but do not bide
Say your goodnight here by my side
Oh, July, my beautiful July
Don’t let a day pass by
When I’m not on your mind
Read to me of you before your sleep
Hear from me of you in your love’s keep
I shall be your lover in your late night
Or days when rains can make you cry
Let the time that flows be our divide
But like sun that falls to sea
You can deny but cannot hide
Can I push you to be my light,
Or can I wait for you to pass me by?
No, there’s nothing that I can do
Like I can’t choose where the wind blew
But like rain to grass, our love resides
The Heaven falls without decides
And lovers love without their minds
I say it now, so hear my sound
Our hearts were blind, but fate was bound
So leave your thoughts and see my eyes
July, my love, you're in my sight
When I tell you I love you
It means that I love you
Not like the loving of a massage
Or the loving of microwaved pastas
Not like the loving of a pretty face
Or the loving of a blue dress laced
Not like the loving of mint chocolate
Or the loving of fancy dinner dates
Not like the loving of a first kiss
Or the loving of past days’ bliss
When I tell you I love you
It means that I love you
Not like the loving of being rich
Or the loving of scratching an itch
Not like the loving of expensive perfume
Or the loving of Valentine’s Day balloons
Not like the loving of deep fried calamari
Or the loving of coffee or tea
Not like the loving of loving you
But the loving of you just you
When I tell you I love you
It means that I love you
I have never seen me within your eyes
But only your smile after I made you cry
Then again it was me who made you cry
Or it was you who I let bite
Will I ever hear of your reply
Like I never heard,
When I said “I love you” that night
Over in Richmond they see you dance
Like angels before I die
Maybe our love can soon unite
As you call in on my bedside
Never then I will understand
Why time flew by like soft dry sand
In which you ran away out of my hand
So then you say I made you sad
Enough to make you mad
But hate me like I was bad?
When all I did was all I had
Once there was us one flesh and bones
Now you decide to go alone
Because your love rings just one tone
Can this words purge you from me
To set me free from memories
Or they just ghost that lingers free
Like things you did as you break me
Can you laugh now in your new peace?
One that you can when we can’t be
Fill up your end with strangers like me
This world may be a dick
But not me I wasn’t a prick
I hid our love in secret attics
To wait for you while you panic
Killing us because it’s just your spree
Maybe in tears you found your glee
But loving me was never your cup of tea
From my eyes I see yours
Glittering sky twinkle moons and lights
There’s no place like your eyes
Where my mind can roam free
A place of sanity and insanity
A place so lovely for a love so recklessly
You are the sun that shines
Your smile give life to dust flew by
Yet all shall die and wither away
But you and your love shall live all days
I love you more than I could tell
More than words from pen to ink that fell
More than flowers and colours and sky
For in you are beauty of all satisfy
All nature can cry in jealous cry
When God made you perfectly bright
If sky and earth cannot compare
And only breaks in their despair
Then there’s no place I can decide to hide
When near your chest I can forever reside
In heaven they shall wait for you
All angels shall count their days for you
To jewel they lost in that July
When obeyed to God they made you mine
But I shall not take part
Away from this most precious art
For in your heart embrace my destiny
One that forever shall set me free
Today my love, I can feel your hands
Reaching across and not long loss
I see your touch and soft embrace
Again, you fingers play across my gaze
​
Though far away, I see you here
In midst of fear but without tears
I know your smile without a try
For all distance they come to mine
​
Let time heal you and all your thrills
But just be still and let love fill
Open your heart just wide apart
To hear my words that won’t depart
​
Today, my love, we are friends
And to our wounds we shall all tend
But remember space for just some grace
To future days of our soft pace
​
Now that I see some peace
I give you all to destiny
But if one day your love will show
I’ll say to you I never let you go
​
For hearts can come to life again
Once there will be little of pain
And fate will take its threads to bound
My vow to you, here in this ground
Tonight I long for her in simmer light
But she has gone out of my sight
I searched for her in blue moonlights
Among the trees of words she cried
Echo through life “my lover’s gone”
Tear through my heart a joy that torn
Will I see her in new days’ morn
Or eternal parted like never born
I must have lost her touch too soon
For now my days long for night’s moon
The space she left like blossoms bloomed
In void of vast sadness that looms
Wander I now without a heart
In her I left all of life’s charts
To find the dreams where we don’t part
A path to happiness without a start
Her absence now silence my eyes
Spreaded across the earth like sky
Take away from me this sad goodbye
And let me see the sun within her smile